Whats waiting

Personal blog about the road to balance between the start of career and family

I was not that lucky

My first IUI didn’t work out. The weeks before testing went by so slowly, so it’s difficult to start all over again. We have decided to give it one more try and then we will take two months off and enjoy the summer without treatment. It has been hard for me to accept that even with perfect conditions I didn’t get pregnant. It makes me lose hope, but the clinic still thinks our chances are good so I guess I will try to believe.

My daily puregon dose has been increased to 33 units and I can safely say that I hope for more than one mature egg 🙂

Until my next ultrasound scanning on friday I will try and stay positive and healthy.

Sunshine from M

My very first insemination

It has finally happened! On Wednesday I was inseminated for the first time. My boyfriend had made a very fine sample with 30 million cells, so I hope it will pay off. I had a follicle of 21 mm, which I have read is pretty okay. Later that day and the day after we also tried on our own so the conditions were perfect.. I hope.

Two days before my insemination I went to a zone therapist and it was a surprisingly good experience. She was one of those people which you immediately feel comfortable around. I cannot say if it has changed anything inside me, but I could feel a warm and happy sensation in my stomach the next couple of days and I couldn’t stop smiling for no reason.

 

Now I’m waiting the next two weeks and hopefully I am one of the lucky ones.

Fingers crossed from M

A confusing process

Here’s an update on my process prior to my first insemination, which I now know will take place in three days 😀

I have been taking Puregon injections every night in 8 days now. It’s not as bad as I had expected, but I haven’t yet been able to do it myself. It’s easier to just close my eyes and get my boyfriend to do it. Luckily I haven’t felt any side effects.

I was scanned on day 8 to follow the development of my eggs. One egg was bigger than the others. The doctors were still a bit unsure on how fast my egg was growing, so I was scanned again at day 10. My egg needs to be 17 mm before I have to inject me with Ovitrelle, which will initiate my ovulation. My egg was about 15 mm I think, so the doctors were in a dilemma, because I could either take the shot when my egg is 16,5 mm or the next day when my egg probably is bigger than 17 mm. Since I have a long cycles of 32 days, they decided for the second choice and take the chance and make me take the shot on day 12.

Now I am waiting to take the Ovitrelle shot tomorrow. I have also scheduled a zonetherapy  session, because I have heard it could have positive effects on the fertility. I have never tried it, so if you have any experience with it, I would very much like to hear about it 🙂

I am so excited for my next post, where hopefully a little miracle has happened inside me 🙂

Stars and colors from M

.. And so it begins

I went to the doctor to get and ultrasound and to see if the ovarian cyst was gone. It is still there, however its a lot smaller and it’s outside my ovaries so it can’t affect my hormonal levels. I can finally start my first IUI process!!! I am so happy, but also a bit worried, especially about my work and how to get time for the appointments. I will do whatever it takes so I guess it will work out one way or another.

Tonight i will take my first injection of puregon 25 IE, which I will take every night until my next appointment on Thursday. The drug will act like the hormone FSH stimulating my follicles and preparing my uterus for conception. I really hope that it’s all my body needs – a little push.

The thought of injecting myself is kind of concerning. I haven’t decided yet if I want my boyfriend to do it, but he wont be able to do it every night.

Wish me luck!

Raindrops from M

Getting to know your future children

While we are waiting to conceive, we often talk about a life full of children. Especially after my close friend have had a baby we have started talking about how our baby will look like and act.

I know it’s a fantasy world, but I fell it can ease the tension of not getting pregnant. I really hope my baby-dreams will come true even if the reality is different from my dreams.

Until then I will try to enjoy my quiet evenings after saying goodbye to my friend and leaving her with a crying baby that won’t sleep.

Sunshine from M

 

Standing still

Everything in my life is pretty much standing still at the moment, but I will give a short update. I am really good at focusing on the frustrating parts of my life – so I am trying to find the happiness in life right now and not always waiting for better days. Anyhow here it goes:

  • Earlier this week I went to the fertility clinic with the goal to start the first insemination round. Unfortunately the ultra sound showed a cyst on my ovary, so the doctors told me to wait another month and then they will examine me again. I have been waiting for many months, but yet again I will keep waiting..
  • A few months ago my job started to get better. I found out that everyone were struggling with my boss and she has been causing problems for many years now. I didn’t knew – I thought only I had a problem. After we started talking, we knew we had to take it higher up and now it is the time for a leader change at the office.  However, the problem is that everything is standing still waiting for a decision from the management. I hope things will change before summer.
  • In the meantime I have been seeking four new jobs. Two of them have already rejected me, but I am still hoping for the two other jobs. It is important for me to seek new jobs to keep my hopes up for  better work days ahead of me. It can be a potential conflict if I should get a new job in the beginning of a pregnancy. But now I have neither, so I will fight for both wishes to come true!

I hope I will update with some good news soon 🙂

Thanks for reading – M

Being happy for others

My best friend gave birth to a big baby boy last Sunday. I rushed to the hospital to see them right away. It was the most magical experience and it really made a huge impression on me. My friend was very tired, but she could still smile while holding little baby William in her hands.

Later when I got the chance to hold the baby I started to think about my own situation. It’s difficult to believe this new perfect creature came from my friend “just like that”. I have been fighting to get pregnant for so long and then suddenly it all feels so simple. I have been focusing a lot on ‘the getting pregnant part’ and maybe forgetting about the little human in the end. But this experience has given me a huge confirmation on I want to fight for it to happen. I cannot wait to see how my baby is gonna be like.

It is easy to be happy for my friend when I see their smiles. When she first told me she was pregnant I decided that I would never show her the sadness inside me. It is not her fault that my body is not working. Even when all her family and friends teased and asked me if I wasn’t tempted to get a baby as well, I still kept my smile and told them nothing about my struggle. It has been difficult for me, especially when I get home from them I’m sad. It is weird because I feel it should have been me. Hopefully it will be my turn before my friend gets baby number two.

The lesson I have learned is that it’s important to happy for those near you even when you are not happy yourself. It only makes my life better that my loved ones are happy. Yesterday my friend asked me to be godmother and I am thrilled for this big honor 😀 I’m looking forward to getting to know the little guy and having a lot of funny moments together.

Tulips from M

The final fertility clearing step

Today I went for my appointment at the radiologist for a hysterosalpingography (HSG). It is a procedure to check the passage in the oviducts. They inject a contrast dye through the uterus to reveal the shape of the uterine cavity and the fallopian tubes.

I was pretty nervous about the procedure since I heard some horror stories where everything went wrong. Serious complications can occur caused by allergic reactions or infections. Furthermore it should be very uncomfortable and painful for some. When I read all these warnings involving fertility treatment , I always think about the goal (and the fact that non of these procedures come close to the pain of a birth).

However, for me, the procedure was not painful at all. I now have a menstrual pain like feeling, but it is not so bad as I had feared. So for everyone who has not tried it, I will advice You to calm down. It only takes 5 minutes and it is not so different from a standard gynecological examination.

My result showed a triangle shaped uterus and  tubes with clear flow. So far all results have been perfectly fine and fit for conceiving, but the real life is not that simple I guess.  I have read that the pregnancy rate increases short after a HSG, so I still keep the hopes up 🙂 Otherwise I will be ready for the first insemination next month.

 X-ray photo showing the uterus and two oviducts on each side.

Spring dreams from M

 

 

My man can. Or can he?

The fertility clinic called my boyfriend to give him the results on his semen sample. They told him his semen was really good and at the same time they told him that he had 40 million cells. When he told me about the conversation, I was happy at first, because it sounded like he had many good cells to work with. 

My second reaction, however, was to google semen concentration. And that was when my frustration started. The clinic did not mention anything about if the 40 millions cells were a total number for the whole sample or if it was pr. ml.  Neither did they mention the percentage of working/ normal cells in the sample or the size of the sample in general. When I can read online, that the limit for low semen quality is 40 million cells pr. ml I began to be quite confused. Is the clinic not telling the exact truth of our results? Is MY fertility not as good either? I mean it is a clear fact that we have tried for over a year now without success, so we cannot be super fertile. It is important for me that I know the results in relation to “normal” fertility and not just which results they need for the fertility treatment to move on. 

I don’t know if it’s just me, but the results are numbers that can be put in statistics, where the doctors protected presentation of the results are not as precise.

However, I am so happy and grateful that we have the materials needed to make a baby. Now we just need some help for running the factory and the production 😉 

I am waiting for my period so I can schedule the appointment for the HSG examination and hopefully we can start the insemination process in a month 😀

Hope from M

The power of birth control

The arrival of birth control pills in the 1960’s gave women new rights. They could now decide when or if the time was right to start a family. I will go so far to call it one of the most important inventions for gender equality.

Normal birth control pills contain the two hormones estrogen and progesteron. The artificial hormone levels will inhibit the hormones FSH and LH, and prevent ovulation. At the same time the pills suppress the natural production of estrogen, progesteron and testosteron.

I remember thinking at the age of 17, that it sounded a bit extreme with all the hormone changes, but the benefits were tempting and I trusted the medical approval. I enjoyed 8 years with the pills. Beside from reliving me from menstrual tension and strong bleeding, I could plan when my period would appear.

When we decided it was time for me to stop using birth control I realized the huge power the pills  have had over my body. The first two months off the pills were a hormonal rollercoaster. I was sick and felt my body in whole new ways. It was like I had been in a hormonal coma. I was like a teenager not knowing my own body-signals at the age of 25. Ohh yeah, and do not get me started on pimples all over my face and back. On the beneficial side, my sexual desire has highly increased 😛

I am surprised, that no one warned me about the side effects of going of the pills or how they affected my body.  If I had known how nice it feels to have my body all natural being fully connected to my own signals, I would have protected myself differently. Since that discovery, I have made it my mission to tell my friends about the better life without birth control pills. My best friend was surprised as me and decided to stop as well. Two months later she got pregnant (without knowing I had been trying for about 6 months at that time). She will give birth to a baby boy in a week! It has been pretty rough for me, but I can’t wait to meet this little guy – more about that in a later post 🙂

My most important point of this post is to not underestimate the power of hormones and inner balance. The re-connection with my body has changed my life.

Birdsong from M